Out Come the Wolves

Mason, my son I told myself initially that I would only write positive things in here, my hopes are that you will turn out to be a happier man that I have become.  It has taken some time for me to look at that and decide that decision may be robbing you from valuable lessons that although not happy may help you come to your own understanding about the way things are so that stops today.  Let me just say that in my experience not everything in the world is happy.  Not everything is going to make you grin from ear to ear like a crab apple fight on the way home from school and a night shared with friends and stories.  If you are lucky, and you will be my son, you will have those memories to hold you up when you feel like falling down, when you have been banged up and trodden on.  And just so you know and feel right about it, if someone tells you that you should be happy you can tell them to shut up if you want, you have daddy’s permission.

Until you are old enough to fight for yourself though I am going to be the one that stands in front of most of it, black flag held high and savage grin on my lips.  I hope when you are older you will do the same for your child as my parents did for me in their own quiet, unassuming way.  There are going to be things that will get you down and I hope you realize some day that my heart was breaking for you as I try to shore up the walls and push the rest of the unhappy times back.

I don’t have a silver bullet for helping you deal with the things in life that will let you down.  What I can suggest is that you know your friends.  Keep those close that will always be there when you are down, the best friend isn’t one that cautions you away from trouble and strife but the one that stands beside you black flag in hand grinning from ear to ear.  I am thinking at this point about your Uncle Ryan, there is a reason that you have his name Mason Ryan Hamilton Harbour.  I hope in your life you are lucky enough to have a friend like that…and only believe half of the stories that he tells you.

The other advice that I have my son is something that has taken me awhile to understand and even now I struggle with it time and again.  Let go of those things that make you unhappy.  Understand why, take that knowledge and let the event go.  It will take you some time to really see this, people will say things to you and you will react and you will be hurt.  It is easy to take that with you onto the next situation, the next person but don’t, stop yourself.  If you treat each new thing as an adventure, embrace it like a child just jump in and start throwing crab apples instead of thinking about the welts you are going to be a long way towards being happy.

My last little advice for you today my son is to let those around you know you love them.  Love is something that only increases your supply if you give it away.  Even those that hurt you or treat you bad make sure that they know that you can separate that.  Forgive them, understand how to learn from them and keep your heart open for the next person that comes along.  If you keep that door open my son you will be amazed at who might walk through it and how they might change your life for the better.  I am happy to call you my son and I can’t wait for the day we call each other friend.

Who Would Have Thought

We had our 3D ultrasound on Monday, I called the event a “sneak preview” in my traditional way to underplay those things.  To you my lucky anonymous friends of the internet though I will let you know that I was truly overwhelmed.  There we were sitting in the room counting his little tiny toes and tiny fingers on the big screen as he moved and waved and kicked inside Jodelene’s body like a silent picture from the 30′s.  Even now as I think about it I can’t wait to hold the little guy in my arms and in parallel there is a certain amount of fear as I think about what life is going to be like with the sound turned up, lol.  Amazing I am sure although a hell of a lot more front and center real.  I still can’t wait.  Goodnight all.

Rainy day in Vancouver

It’s interesting when people talk to you about having a child, you get to see all of the things that they want for themselves with children.  Some people want a little replicate of themselves, someone that they can model in their own way and shape.  Other people it’s unconditional love, the kind of love you know only comes when something totally relies on you for everything.  It’s given me some time to think about what I want and what I don’t want.

I want someone that I can teach and ultimately shield from all the things that I don’t feel I can change about me, or perhaps learn from them how it might be possible to change those things.  I want to be able to help them grow older and happier than I am because although many of you see me laugh a lot I wouldn’t say I am an extremely happy/ positive person.  I would like them to be better than I am, more relaxed, less serious, less driven and yet more successful.  I would also like them to appreciate the beauty that’s just given to us and so often ignored or taken for granted.  The calm look of a loved one in untroubled sleep, the beautiful green that you only see during or right after a rain.  These are the things I would like to teach and in turn I would like them to teach me how to be happy with the simple things, to appreciate something that I have done that people think is good rather than dismissing it and moving on.  Unconditional love?  I don’t need to learn that lesson, but the other things I really look forward to figuring out.

Hey little sister

We just got back from Mexico, our “babymoon”.  There were some parts that were simply amazing, the company, the weather and the food.  It’s a bit of a hard transition however to come back to the Great White North, the short days and the long nights as well as the cold.  This time of year I find I sleep less and less, the lack of sun throws me into a bit of a zombie unable to sleep state.  Can’t wait until the 25th when things start turning around and the days start getting longer again.

Speaking of important dates coming up we have the 3D ultrasound just around the corner and shortly after that my little bungy jumper should be making his first jump.  Yep, his, it looks like we are having a little boy already I can see Hershey and him playing ball in the park.  I was talking to him tonight and telling him to quit kicking mommy for tonight so they could both get their rest.  It’s a bit amusing to be talking to a stomach but until I can hold him in my arms I will take what I can get.

Well on that note I better go try to grab some sleep myself, peace and love.

All these friends and we were equals

I would say the hardest thing about “being pregnant” is hearing all the time about how it is so life changing and not actually being part of it.  No matter what you can imagine or do there is nothing that will make anyone really believe (including myself) that you can understand or feel what it is like unless you have actually gone through it.  So during these 9 months of pure joy and discovery for our mom to be we sit outside of the magic circle and try to make their lives better where we can, silently keep out of the way where we can’t and try desperately to find some way to connect with the event that is happening before our eyes and yet is so far away.

I am lucky with Jodelene she is quite vocal about what she is going through so I know somewhat about the adventure that she is part of and I am somewhat of a preliminary part.  The baby kicking right now is starting to make me think that in the near future I might be able to experience part of that, as the kicks get stronger and we can see the little guy or girl moving around in her stomach.  That event is something I am greatly anticipating.

The other event that fill me with joy are the monthly dopplar that we get at the doctor’s office.  It is one of those things that drive home how real the situation is, I leave that office with such hope and joy that it carries me through the day with a permanent smile.  One of my co-workers actually guessed something was up before we passed the first trimester after one of our first doctor’s appointments.

This week we have another big event, on the 23rd we get to find out what sex our little one is.  We have a standing bet that will have to be settled after that point and some more directed effort on determining a name for our little girl (or boy).  What ever the outcome I am certain that there will be one happy daddy in the room, filled with tears of joy.  Peace.

I can’t believe these people live like kings

Well it’s starting into fall and I feel it.  We went to Victoria this weekend past and I got to enjoy a lot of sun out on the ferry deck, it’s amazing how a little sunlight can affect the mood and in my case helps me sleep =).  Unfortunately today was a bit gloomy and I am back to not feeling sleepy at all, or rather feeling perpetually sleepy but unable to get to sleep.  Yep it sure feels like fall, lol.

Anyway, why were we in Victoria you say?  And who’s this “we”?  Well I am glad that you asked, we were in Victoria to go to a baby fair.  Yep lots of babies and cribs and “stuff” that is absolutely essential if you are going to raise a zygote these days.

Well blatant consumerism aside one of the things that amazed me about the fair was the actual focus, the infant population.  I guess I haven’t looked very closely at babies before because I was amazed to see the range of emotions and facial expressions that a baby will actually go through in the matter of seconds.  One baby I watched looked angry, happy, constipated and relieved in the span of about 3 seconds…while asleep.  Yep and you thought they were just eating, pooping and crying machines didn’t you?  Well apparently they are but then again so much more.

Anyway, can’t wait to meet the little guy or gal that’s growing in Jodelene’s tummy and watch how many emotions flash across that small little face…hopefully I see smiles more than that constipation look though…

All the punk rockers and the moon stompers

It’s been a busy little August/ September and I have been neglecting my anonymous audience out in there in the internets.  A quick update on what has been going on, Jodelene and I are now living together and I must say as much of an adjustment as it is living with someone she is great.  We are finishing off renos, new flooring in every room of the house and although I am partially biased I must say the place looks great!  Big shout out to Daddy Dave and Daddy Tom for helping out.  Without them I think I would still be putting in subfloor.

So now you are caught up with today, so let me tell you a bit about today.  We had another Doctor’s visit, these are becoming the highlight of our day/ week/ month as we are hearing the heart in the doppler in every visit.  Today the doctor found the heart with no problem (we are at 16 weeks), immediately we heard the little guy beating at 140 bmp, strong, healthy.  It is such an amazing thing to hear that sound and at the same time see Jodelene’s stomach, maybe some day I will have the ability to express how happy it makes me until then I will walk around with this silly smile on my face and y’all will just have to guess.

No one hears the call

Last week was the hottest week that I can remember, it’s raining right now and that has cooled things off a bit, doubly blessed.  I am just recovering from onehellofacold, the thing flattened me for a couple of days and I even took Monday off this week to see if I could finally shake it.  My lungs still feel like they have some fluid in them but I think I am going to try to go to the gym today, wish me luck.

In other news we got carpet installed yesterday, part 1 of a renovation plan in preparation for the new baby.  As positive as it is to have the place look a bit nicer I am glad that it is over, it’s like I can finally knock one of the deadlines out of my head before I miss it, forget it or lose it.  Next up is picking up the cork this weekend and lining up some help for the move on the weekend of the 29th.  I am sure there is a deadline that I missed in there somewhere, I am sure it will come back I just hope that it does before the date passes…

Anyway on that note I am going to head to work.

Will you defeat them, your demons?

I am a bit sick this week, odd summer cold I tell myself but I know that it’s because my body is broken down a bit from stress and overuse and shenanigans.  It is on it’s way out and should be cleared out by the weekend which is good because we are in the process of getting the place ready for Jodelene to move in.  That means changing flooring, painting and in general putting a bit of a modern look and feel on the place, it’s a 30 year old building so you can imagine that it’s no small task.

We have also arranged from some help from the ‘rents to install some flooring.  My parents and Jodelene’s parents are going to be coming out on or around the first weekend in September and meeting for the first time.  To me this is an important event, these people will form part of the base of our support hierarchy.  I don’t want to put too much importance on the first meeting, those are always awkward and feel a bit contrived but I hope that it goes well.  In a perfect world I would hope that they like each other and enjoy spending time together, maybe pick up the phone now and again to see how each other are doing.  At the very least it would make me smile to know that they pick up the phone to ask how the grandchildren are doing.

I should go and continue to get ready, it’s Friday and I want to make sure I get out at a decent time.

I got no insight, I got no feelings

Well it’s been a couple of days since the ultrasound.  I had a buddy at work come up to me and say that I looked really happy.  I am still in panic/ denial mode because I don’t want to say too much until we pass the 3rd trimester so I deny it.  Once I get back to my desk I crack and send Desmond a message, yup I am extremely happy, stoked, I am going to be a daddy!  I saw my baby’s heart beating the other day in a little black and white monitor.  In those few words I relive the moment and almost break down in tears of joy at my desk.  I chastise myself for being one of those emotional guys and blink away the water forming at the corners of my eyes, I still can’t wipe the smile from my face.

I got a couple of emails, well wishing for my birthday tomorrow.  I am going to be 33 in about 25 minutes, probably less by the time this is posted.  Jon, one of the well wishers, just had a baby.  I ask him how things are going, and he says that after a month he has hardly slept but it’s sooo amazing to hold the baby in his arms.

I decide that I will spill the beans just one time more and let him know that I am expecting in February/ March and that I am going to start having conversations with the little person on how important it is to get all the sleep he/ she can.  Jon is a “sound guy”.  I like sound guys, they have a unique way of looking at the world through their ears.  I am a visual person, if it doesn’t come in through my eyes it doesn’t stick, so it’s a treat to have such a different view of life and the world even if I only see a peek through the curtain.  Jon tells me to talk to the baby often, let it hear my voice in the womb and come to know who his/ her daddy is and trust in the magic of sound.  He apologizes for what he calls a shameless plug, I would have replied but I was already close to crying at my desk again so decided I should just cut my losses.  He was right of course, before I have the pleasure of actually meeting and holding this little being I had created the sound of my voice would already have identified me as someone important in it’s little life.  I am going to go say hi.